As many of you know, after 25yrs together, my M was admitted to a local care facility, already two months ago to the day, because of her Alzheimers/dementia.
I was told by a few people, some very close friends, and even the manager at the care facility that I now need to go out and create a new life for myself, that I need to move on. That's all fine and well and easy for them to say, but it is a mammoth task.
For one, I have responsibilities. They extend, firstly and foremostly, to M. She is still with us, is still my wife, is still a part of my life albeit in a very different context. She requires care on a daily basis, supplied by the carers. She also requires care going into the future if something terminal should happen to me. I'm only a person in an ageing body and it could desert me at any time, one never knows, so I've made financial arrangements for her continued care.
Next, I have mom and nephew (often referred to by myself as the Nephewmonster) also living with me. They too require daily care, but for different reasons. Nephew is only 11yrs old and growing fast, but could still be around for a few more years until he makes his own way out into the world. Mom is getting frail and is 81yrs old, cannot do too much before her COPD kicks in and takes the breath out of her.
Lastly, I have a responsibility to myself. I'm pretty much chief-cook-and-bottlewasher around the house for the three of us, but when I'm not cracking ribs passing bicycles over gates or rescuing upturned tortoises, I need to look after myself mentally and physically. Without me being in as good a condition as I can keep myself in, I run the risk of incapacitation, or worse, which could be catastrophic for my "lodgers".
So, how does one "make a new life" for oneself?
As the author, and in my opinion, it has to be done on physical and mental levels.
The physical side is, in my case, relatively easy. I walk and cycle when I can. Since being off the bikes with the sore ribs, I've walked an average of 10km a day. Before I hurt the ribs, I was cycling anywhere up to, and sometimes over, 250km a week. I feel great, and am the lightest and fittest I've been in about 20yrs. I think I've got the physical side sorted out (if I stay away from gates and tortoises). As an aside, I got back on a bike today for the first time in three weeks...woohoo...
The mental side is a bit trickier. There are so many levels of mental wrestling I have to go through in my situation.
The biggest challenge, still, is the guilt I feel whenever I leave M after a visit. I don't know how long that will last, or if it will even go away. I suspect it might last until some time after she forgets who I am or what my name is, because then I will know she is definitely not herself anymore, not mine anymore.
The next biggest challenge, I feel, is the loneliness, particularly at night when I turn over onto my left side in bed and see the empty space where M used to be. During the day is okay because I'm active in some form or other for most of it, but it hits home at night. Sometimes I'm okay with being alone, others not so much. I'm guessing that's because M has been there for 25yrs and now I have a hollow spot in her place. I don't mind my own company for the most part, but there comes a time when a bit of conversation or companionship would be comforting. Which leaves me with a conundrum...
People tell me (even encourage me) to go out and seek companionship, perhaps even a relationship. Do you see where I'm going with this?
If you don't, do you remember what marriage vows are, what they say about "in sickness and health"? Right. Now we're on the same page, and there's my conundrum. How do I go out and engage in new companionship or a relationship, without another layer of guilt slapped on top of the current?
Yes, I know it may be something I "just" have to deal with, something to put my "big girl panties on" for, should the time arise. Maybe I just need to believe that, under the circumstances, it's okay to be doing this, that it is justified, maybe even that it's what M would want that I be happy? (That's such a fuckin' cliche...)
Maybe I just need to say "fuck it" and go with the flow, see where whatever it is takes me and deal with the issues as I go along, be honest with myself and the other person/s involved.
So, yeah, go out and make a new life for yourself, indeed... 😵
FFS...people are going to read the blog posts of the last couple of weeks and start spinning their index fingers around next to their temples in an indication of "Man, this guy's lost it...cuckoo". I can assure you, folks, I'm really okay. I'm just letting my keyboard diarrhoea out, venting thoughts, emotions.
Look after yourselves out there, folks...
1 comment:
What you’re doing now, feeling now is a form of grief. Let it flow. Like absolutely everything this too shall pass. You’re dealing in ‘what if’s’ and unknowns and hypotheticals here. Let it flow. Start by finding something to do on a night. A class? A help group for folk in a similar position (I know, I know but honestly they’re in the best place to get this and there’s going to be women there in the same situation right?) Fill one night and see how you go. Maybe that’s enough. Maybe not. See how you feel. If you meet a friend then great but building a life doesn’t need to mean go fill your bed. Fill a few hours and if someone appears who helps you do that then you assess that when it happens. Take the pressure off yourself. Let it flow.
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