Untitled, as yet...

Why? 

Because right now, I couldn't think of a title appropriate enough to describe what I'm going to write here. Usually, I have my title foremost in mind before I start with the content, but tonight I'm at a total loss... 

Here's why...

Those that read my ramblings will know that I posted a couple of very emotional experiences lately. If you don't know of them, just scroll down from this entry.

I have a few very good friends, a number of friends, and a number of acquaintances in my life. I like it that way. It keeps it real.

I only have three "brothers" though, excluding my late sibling brother: men that I can say that I love and not feel embarrassed about it. 

In no particular order, those three are my Irish-Yankee brother "A" who lives in the USA, my Anglo-SAffer brother "P" on the KZN south coast, and my Italo-SAffer brother "Z" up in Krugersdorp. (I'm mentioning so many people on this blog that I'm running out of initials).

The first two have their own histories, to be written about some other day. This post though, is about Z and in response to something he posted on his blog to me earlier today, and for which I am truly thankful.

Z.... I know you've been "through the wringer" of emotions in the last few years. You treated someone like an absolute queen and it did not end well for you. I was gobsmacked when I heard what had happened, in total disbelief.

But... You stood up, shook off the dust, and carried on, ready to face the next challenge, ready to fight the next battle, stronger for the experience. And there have been a couple of battles, many emotional.

You are the epitome of the proverbial "man among men", strongly committed to those in your inner circle, especially your boys and their young families and partners. The way you care, and stand up, for G-man's lady is commendable.

But to get back to your posting...

If there's one thing I've learned in the last four months it is that being emotional is okay for a man. We were brought up to be tough, that's the way it was done then, and it worked then. But it did not prepare us for later life, when we would get older, become more mature, become more frail. 

I've cried more in the last four months than in the last forty years. The difference is that I'm not ashamed to say that now. I doubt that I'm all cried out yet either. Yes, I went through all the "why me's" that you mention and all the guilt associated with the changes that brought about that rhetorical question. Rhetorical, because it never truly gets answered. Maybe just as well. But, like you in your situation, I have got stronger emotionally, ready for the next challenge to be thrown at me, ready to face it head on. 

And you are right about being alone conjuring up all sorts of head-winding thoughts, but what I've found is that being alone is okay, but being lonely is a killer. The difference between those two is staggering. It's loneliness that hurts most and I know you've been there too, probably still are. I hope that your "J" comes to her senses and realises what she's missing out on by not being with you. You two should have been together a long time ago.

I thought I'd done an okay job in hiding who my LOMA is, but between you and my daughter it is evident I didn't do a good enough job. You're both spot on. Time will tell what will develop there and I think we're both on the same page on that. One can only but hope that it is good, but it is early days yet.

I am extremely happy that you find as much comfort and solace in your "Dad" as you do. He obviously guides your principles, your ethics and morals, your beliefs and, ultimately, your whole life. Anybody that knows you will see that you are committed to God and his teachings.

I look at in a slightly different way though. I know you won't be offended by my views either, because they have so many parallels and similarities. I just call them by a different name.

Trust me when I say I have no problem with any religion, so long as it is a peaceful religion, there for the benefit of its believers and to mankind as a whole. I have no problem with religious people, except those that try to force their beliefs onto others. To me, religion is personal. What you believe in is up to you. And I believe we are allowed to have differences and tolerate the differences of others.

You may recall that M is a religious person too. I say "is" because only her mind changed, not her beliefs. We lived quite happily together with that difference between us. (In fact, I have something for you that I believe she would want you to have. I will send it to you.)

I don't believe in any specific deity, God, Buddha, Allah, whatever you want to call it. I believe I don't need to devote myself to a particular religion. I believe that, so long as I am a good person, nothing else should be demanded of me by any higher power and I should not have to answer to that higher power. 

That said, I do believe there is a higher power, an unnamed higher power, but it is not demanding of me. It does guide me in my life, my decisions, my choices, my actions, sometimes without me even realising it but it lets me make those and either reap the benefits or suffer the consequences.

I have had those chats, sitting on the deck, tears streaming down my face, looking for answers. Mostly, I've found answers but there are still a whole lot more I need. Maybe those questions will be answered some day, only time will tell. 

Thank you for being the brother that you are. You are one of my rocks and I have the utmost respect and love for you. 

Ciao Fratello... 

 

Look after yourselves out there, folks... Be kind to each other.