Is how it started, but it's developed now to occasional Whatsapp messages and a couple of phone calls.
And I can't blame her. "K" is having the same challenges and stresses with her parents as I've had recently with M. In fact, more than what I had, as she is dealing with both of her parents descent into dementia at the same time.
K and I lived in the same village, and went to the same school, in KZN more than 40yrs ago. I would have been about 15, and she about 12, when we first met. We were carefree, enjoying our youth, nothing more than school to worry about really. We lost touch when I left the village to go and work in Durban after finishing matric in 1979. That's life.
We hadn't heard from each other, hadn't even friended each other on FB before a few weeks ago, until I saw her invitation in my FB feed.
K made first contact on FB Messenger after I'd posted my blog about M's dementia and my admitting her into fulltime care. We swapped phone numbers and it was a strange first call, hearing this grownup voice which had once had a youthful higher pitch, to hear how she's grown up, now has a family of her own and two young men for sons.
We got through a few catch-up topics but then got onto how she is struggling with getting her parents to accept that they either need fulltime care, should move into an assisted living facility with 24hr care, or should move back to K's home and allow her to assist with their care. Unfortunately, dementia parents decline into resistance to change, believing they, regardless of age, are still capable of doing everything they used to do 20yrs ago, and refuse any and all assistance. Sometimes that refusal can get quite verbally heated, another symptom of the disease.
Inasmuch as I could, I listened to her experiences which were much the same as mine, offered some suggestions, swapped more information, talked a lot, formulated a plan of sorts that K might be able to use to get her folks to agree to the care they really do need.
Unfortunately, getting agreement from a dementia sufferer and getting them to stick to it, is about as easy as herding cats. They sometimes listen through what you're trying to get them to understand, tell you they understand, but then 5mins later the dementia has robbed them of the train of thought and everything falls into a heap. Rinse and repeat.
Sadly, I can't be there to help her with her challenges, but K has a great support structure behind her, a loving husband, two sensible lads, a carer for her parents who keeps her in constant touch through calls or messages, and a friend of her parents who might be able to influence them to accept the changes they need to make.
What I can do though, is be there for her if she needs an ear that is "removed" enough from her immediate circle, that can listen and talk her through the shitstorm she is going through currently, and be there for her when it escalates further, which it will, I'm sure. Her parents, and in particular her father, are very headstrong and adamant that they are coping and do not need assistance. Dementia sufferers just do not know that they need help, far less admit that they have a problem they cannot control.
The parents are good folks, are a very close family, but like other dementia sufferers, lose contact with reality more and more as it worsens. So sad, again, to see and hear how this horrible disease robs good people of living out their days in healthy comfort and peace.
K is going to have to make some life-changing decisions on the parents behalf, quite soon, and may have to go the legal route to get Power of Attorney over their affairs. That's one shitstorm that I avoided, and I don't envy her having to go that way if it turns out to be the only possible way forward after trying all other avenues of making the changes they need.
K...you have my full support and as much as I can be of help, you have my number, so don't hesitate to call if you need me. Any time. And if there's one thing I learned quite quickly, it is that you need to use the people around you for support. You cannot do this on your own. Be strong... ♥️
Look after yourselves out there, folks.....be kind to each other...
2 comments:
My heart goes out to both of you. Bad enough watching the one you love's mental health decline, but to have two... 😭😭. I remember you and your folks well, K, lovely people. Hard as it must be for you putting them into full-time care, as long as they are together, they will settle in. If you ever need an ear, I can listen, and I'm sure Lisa, having gone through it with her mum, will give you great advice too. Sending luv to you all. XXX ❤️❤️❤️🤣
It's tough. I am fortunate that my mom is in a place of care - I cannot imagine having to look after her myself. So blessed. Hope you friend manages to get her folks in a home, that way she will know they are cared for and safe, and she can still look out for them
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