No, it isn't. It's Colonoscopy Day. But it may as well be my birthday...
Carrying on from my last posting about the Colonoscopy preparation, a few things happened after I left off.
I closed off last night just after 22h00, after I guzzled 250ml of electrolytes to keep me hydrated for the night. Here's what happened after that...
At 01h45-ish, I wake up, thinking my stomach is grumbling. I think I'm hungry, but something else says RUN. So I make my way to the loo, stubbing my toe on the foot of the bed on the way.
I point the old Rusty Starfish into the Big White Porcelain Telephone (BWPT) as I had been doing for much of the previous afternoon and wait for the fireworks. Nothing.
Stomach grumbles. Still nothing.
Then, from nowhere, I feel my body start to sweat. Strange, I thought, as it's about 12deg outside and raining. Then I realize what's coming.
Twice before in my life, both times (strangely) on an airplane at 35,000 feet, I've needed the loo and broken out into a complete cold body sweat while on the BWPT. No apparent reason, and it lasted only about 5mins both times. Then I wiped my brow and returned to my seat. Story over.
Last night though, was a different kettle of fish. Sitting on the BWPT the sweat broke out all over my body, from the top of my head to my feet on the floor and all orifices in between. I felt it running down my back, my chest, my arms, everywhere. I heard it drip onto the floor from my elbows leaning on my knees. It actually puddled at my feet and I had to wipe it with a towel later.
In between, Rusty had opened up again too and was doing his bit to add to the liquids leaving my body, so I was literally kakking up a sweat.
And the difference between this time and the others is that this lasted for almost half an hour. I was in agony, my stomach in knots, all my pores open, Rusty spouting all sorts of shit into the BWPT.
By the time it was over, I had just enough energy to clean up and crawl back to bed.
I must say though, I slept well after that, probably exhausted.
The alarm went off at 06h45 as it was set to do, and I considered resetting it for 30 more minutes as I could only shower and get dressed. I wasn't allowed to eat or drink anything before the procedure, which would mean nothing solid in 24hrs and nothing liquid in 10hrs.
My very good friend, Mr Miyagi of cycling fame, arrives on time to take me to the medical centre. As I'm going to be under a mild general anaesthetic, I'm not allowed to drive myself home afterwards. It's a big sacrifice for him, as it will be most of the day waiting for me and I'm eternally grateful for him.
At the medical centre, I fill in more forms, almost duplicate of what I'd filled in online previously, then I am shepherded through to a ward where there is already a guy in one of the six beds. He was a doctor, as it turns out, but sounded like he was in really bad shape.
I'm given a hospital gown to put on, some tissue undies, and a tissue haircap. Very degrading, probably degradable too. Then I have to get into bed and wait to be wheeled through. With time on my hands, I message a few peeps, play a few word games, browse a few sites. Yawn.
Just as I put down my phone though, in walks a couple I recognize as the Joneses, also from Sedgefield. We sometimes cycle together. As it turns out, AJ was also there for a colonoscopy. We chat a bit and then he also has to do forms and gowns, and the curtains are drawn between us.
A few minutes later, I'm wheeled through to another ward to wait a bit longer, after which this subtly gay guy comes through to tell me what's going to happen. Ladies, you would have been jealous of this guy's manicured fingernails. Wow.
Shortly thereafter, the lady anaesthesiologist comes through and chats, tells me more of what's going to happen, then she sticks a needle in my left hand and disappears after telling gay nurse about a black jumper she'd bought in Woolies in Cape Town a couple of days earlier. Fascinating.
Next I'm wheeled into what I thought was just another room, but after seeing the large light on the ceiling realised it was the surgery. The doctor is sitting at a computer monitor with his back to me. People are bustling around and I'm trying to focus on too many things at once to remember any single thing.
Eventually the doc comes to me, introduces himself, tells me more of what is going to happen and goes back to his monitor. The nurse lays my bed flat and asks me to lie on my left side, and I see the anaesthesiologist lift the drip tube that's in my arm.
The next time I open my eyes I'm back in the ward where it all started. Job done. Wait. What? What happened?
I'm a bit groggy from the drugs, but otherwise I am perfectly fine. No pain AT ALL. No discomfort anywhere on my body.
I forgot to mention....this trip also included a Gastroscopy, in which they shove a tube down your throat to check out the stomach and gut from the top end.
Again, no discomfort or pain. AT ALL. I'm amazed.
A nurse, not the gay bloke, comes in and asks how I am, and would I like my sandwich and coffee, but I ask her to give me a few minutes to gather myself.
I say "gather myself". In truth, I needed time to fart. And let me tell you, after this procedure, you fart long, and you fart loud. They apparently blow air up your butt to open the pipes properly and of course this air is trapped by Mr Rusty Starfish. He is, after all, a one-way valve. Or supposed to be. 🤔
I had bad stomach cramps a few minutes after waking and realised what it was when they started becoming less painful the more I farted. So I farted long, loud and proud. Nobody else was there to hear me. AJ was still in theatre, and the Doc in the next bed was snoring his head off.
Next thing I did was grab the bottle of Jungle Juice I'd brought with me and down half of it. Jungle Juice is what I call the electrolyte drink I use on cycle rides. Because I hadn't had any liquids that morning, I needed some, fast. Then I asked the nurse to bring my sandwich.
Needless to say, I was starving by that time and the toasted ham, cheese and tomato went down like a torpedoed battleship. The coffee was right behind it.
In the meantime, AJ had been wheeled back into the ward. I thought he was sleeping, but then I realised that he was doubled over with stomach cramps when he too started farting. At least I tried to keep the decibels down. AJ had no such reservations.
I grabbed my phone out of the bedside table drawer and notified a few people that I was okay and would be discharged shortly.
Eventually the doctor comes through and asks me if I ever get heartburn. Huh, what kind of question is that and what does it have to do with my colon? Actually, nothing. During the Gastroscopy he'd noticed a red mark somewhere on my oesophagus and associated it with reflux. I told him the only time I might have heartburn would be after a really heavy night out or maybe a particularly spicy meal, but he insisted that I must be suffering more often than that. WTF? Anyway, he writes me a script for some tablets and says "Take those for a week and let me know what you feel". I take his script but I know I'm not going to take his pills. It's like he was determined or obliged to prescribe something to me following the procedure. Speaking of.....the doc gave me the "A-okay, all clear". There is zero wrong with either end of my gut. Thankfully.
Poor Mr Miyagi must have been pulling his hair out by the time I was led through to reception where he was sitting bouncing his legs up and down.
The drive home was spent describing the above and talking about various other subjects Mr Miyagi and I have in common interest. A lot about cycling.
At home, I make us a cup of coffee and we chat some more. We also chat about how I'm not able to go camping with them next week because I'm having a checkup done on the two stents I had put in two years ago. Just my luck the appointment falls on the week most suited to go camping, weatherwise anyway. I also need to go to George next week to have the bakkie windscreen changed as there is a big crack in it from a stone a while back. Insurance is paying for that.
I then get changed into track pants and slippers. It's raining and cold outside, so I'm going nowhere, doing nothing, just letting the anaesthetic wear off completely.
By the time 17h00 comes around, mother and I have cracked open the OBS and we're considering what to order in for dinner. Just when we'd instead decided to head out to the new Texas Grill for eisbein, the Nephewmonster comes in and shows us that his body is covered in red spots!!
He says they're not itchy so I don't know what the hell he's picked up. The school put out an alert a few weeks ago that there was some Hand, Foot and Mouth disease going around in some of the kids. It might be that, but I'll get him to the quack in the morning to confirm.
My takeaway delivered pizza was delicious. Just one slice was more than I'd eaten in the previous 31hrs, so I had 5 slices to make up for my loss.
So why did I say it was my birthday at the start? Well, apart from the spotty monster, I've actually had a great day, all considered. It is especially satisfying to know that you have been given a clean bill of health on something which affects so many people.
Also, tomorrow is a special day for another reason............ Maybe more on that late tomorrow night or Friday. Maybe.
Look after yourselves out there, folks.....be kind to each other...