Some time ago, President Clinton was hosting a state dinner when, at the last minute, his regular cook fell ill and they had to get a replacement on short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby-looking man named Jon. The President voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff but was told that this was the best they could do on such short notice.
Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his finger in the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief of Staff. He was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef, but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little funny. Passing through the kitchen earlier, he had caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his rear end, which made him feel even worse. The meal was very delicious and went okay but by the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea.
After dinner the President went in to the Oval office and leaned back in his chair hoping to relax and let it pass, but it was getting worse until finally the President found his head was spinning. Before he brought it all up he decided he had better look for the bathroom. By now, the President was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom.
He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door and opened it. As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror he was in the passage way outside the Oval office where, with his trousers around his knees, he found he had stumbled into a young intern, Monica Lewinsky.
The President was bent over in pain and Monica got down on her knees to try and hear what he was saying. As she bent over him she heard the President rasp in a barely audible voice, "Sack my cook."
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Monday, January 26, 2009
Lunar Eclipse - Monday 26th Jan 2009
I was looking forward to this morning's eclipse, even if it was a partial covering.
Unfortunately, some clouds decided to make an appearance, just as the covering was coming to its best.
I grabbed the welders helmet and peered through just to make sure the glass would shield my eyes enough, and then set the camera to various settings to see what photos I could get. After a number of failed shots, these two were the best, then the clouds came and covered the whole sky and that was the end of it.
Unfortunately, some clouds decided to make an appearance, just as the covering was coming to its best.
I grabbed the welders helmet and peered through just to make sure the glass would shield my eyes enough, and then set the camera to various settings to see what photos I could get. After a number of failed shots, these two were the best, then the clouds came and covered the whole sky and that was the end of it.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Muppet?
My daughter seems to have forgotten what I look like, so to remind her:
Me...dad...
Muppet...
Hopefully this clears up the matter...LOL...
Me...dad...
Muppet...
Hopefully this clears up the matter...LOL...
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
"Mount a pin-lock mechanism on the sliding door..."
said the new insurance policy we took out the other day, otherwise there would be no cover for the contents of the house if there was a break-in. The pin-lock has to be ninety degrees to the normal lock on the sliding door to prevent the door from being lifted off the track, so I toddled off to the local hardware store (not Builders Whorehouse, it's too far away) to see how they could help me.
While I was there, I picked up a couple of burglar guards for our bathroom window which, until today, didn't have any and I was reluctant to leave those windows open at night for fresh air or when we went out for fear of having some fucker come through them and rip us off, or worse.
So, ZAR446 later, I toddle off home via the car wash and stick the bakkie through for a "wash 'n' go" to get the salt residue washed off and to make Gertie all shiny again.
I quickly installed the burglar guards onto the wooden window frames using one-way screws so that they can't be unscrewed again to give someone access through the window. I almost cocked it up by pre-screwing one of the screws into the frame to act as a pilot. Luckily, I remembered after only a few turns that they were one-way only and I had to take it out by means of a pair of pliars. No harm done, I had my pilot hole and successfully installed both guards.
That done, I moved onto the sliding door and the pin-lock. I figured out that it needed to be mounted to the bottom of the door, seeing as SWMSBO is not the tallest of people and would not, because of the height of the door and the step, be able to reach and unlock the lock if I mounted it to the top of the door.
Again, I used one-way screws, remembering not to try and make a pilot hole with one of them, lest I want to use the pliars again. That done, I closed the door to see where I needed to drill the hole for the pin to push into so that the pin would lock in place. The end of the pin has a small protrusion on the end of it to allow you to push the pin onto the door which will leave a small mark where you have to drill. Again, simple enough, and the hole was drilled.
At that point, I stood back and pressed the pin to check that it worked. It did. It clicked into place indicating that I'd drilled the hole to the correct depth. And you can guess what happened next.
I couldn't get the door open again. I had left the keys on the floor just inside the door. I could see the fuckin' things gleaming up at me, gloating. "Here we are", they shouted. "Fuuuuccckkkk", I shouted.
So, after thinking I could maybe go around to the back door and let myself in that way, I remembered I had just come back from the hardware store and hadn't opened that door yet. I also couldn't just jump in the open bathroom windows cos I'd just fuckin' installed fuckin' burglar fuckin' guards on them, with one fuckin' way fuckin' screws.
I thought I was screwed. I had visions of standing outside in the wind with the dogs, waiting for SWMSBO to come home, so that she could first gloat and laugh and then kak me out for being so fuckin' stupid cos she wouldn't have had one of the new keys either.
Gathering my thoughts, I figured I could use a piece of wire to lift the keys off the floor, only to find that we had left the window I had in mind closed thanks to the storm-strength south easterly wind that's blowing today.
Then I remembered that all the bedrooms have doors that open out onto the patio and that the middle bedroom door's keys would be within reach of a piece of strategically-placed wire. Into the garage, I found and straightened an old coat-hanger, made my way to the bedroom window (which I knew is always open for the cat to move about freely) and managed to move the keys into sight. Thankfully, the key ring was sticking up and it was a piece of piss to hook the ring with the wire and bring it to the window, where I stood patting myself on the back for being such a clever idiot.
Once I was inside, it was a case of heaving a sigh of relief and tidying up the tools. The piece of coat hanger wire now has a place of seniority and reverence on the workbench as it may be needed again sometime.
While I was there, I picked up a couple of burglar guards for our bathroom window which, until today, didn't have any and I was reluctant to leave those windows open at night for fresh air or when we went out for fear of having some fucker come through them and rip us off, or worse.
So, ZAR446 later, I toddle off home via the car wash and stick the bakkie through for a "wash 'n' go" to get the salt residue washed off and to make Gertie all shiny again.
I quickly installed the burglar guards onto the wooden window frames using one-way screws so that they can't be unscrewed again to give someone access through the window. I almost cocked it up by pre-screwing one of the screws into the frame to act as a pilot. Luckily, I remembered after only a few turns that they were one-way only and I had to take it out by means of a pair of pliars. No harm done, I had my pilot hole and successfully installed both guards.
That done, I moved onto the sliding door and the pin-lock. I figured out that it needed to be mounted to the bottom of the door, seeing as SWMSBO is not the tallest of people and would not, because of the height of the door and the step, be able to reach and unlock the lock if I mounted it to the top of the door.
Again, I used one-way screws, remembering not to try and make a pilot hole with one of them, lest I want to use the pliars again. That done, I closed the door to see where I needed to drill the hole for the pin to push into so that the pin would lock in place. The end of the pin has a small protrusion on the end of it to allow you to push the pin onto the door which will leave a small mark where you have to drill. Again, simple enough, and the hole was drilled.
At that point, I stood back and pressed the pin to check that it worked. It did. It clicked into place indicating that I'd drilled the hole to the correct depth. And you can guess what happened next.
I couldn't get the door open again. I had left the keys on the floor just inside the door. I could see the fuckin' things gleaming up at me, gloating. "Here we are", they shouted. "Fuuuuccckkkk", I shouted.
So, after thinking I could maybe go around to the back door and let myself in that way, I remembered I had just come back from the hardware store and hadn't opened that door yet. I also couldn't just jump in the open bathroom windows cos I'd just fuckin' installed fuckin' burglar fuckin' guards on them, with one fuckin' way fuckin' screws.
I thought I was screwed. I had visions of standing outside in the wind with the dogs, waiting for SWMSBO to come home, so that she could first gloat and laugh and then kak me out for being so fuckin' stupid cos she wouldn't have had one of the new keys either.
Gathering my thoughts, I figured I could use a piece of wire to lift the keys off the floor, only to find that we had left the window I had in mind closed thanks to the storm-strength south easterly wind that's blowing today.
Then I remembered that all the bedrooms have doors that open out onto the patio and that the middle bedroom door's keys would be within reach of a piece of strategically-placed wire. Into the garage, I found and straightened an old coat-hanger, made my way to the bedroom window (which I knew is always open for the cat to move about freely) and managed to move the keys into sight. Thankfully, the key ring was sticking up and it was a piece of piss to hook the ring with the wire and bring it to the window, where I stood patting myself on the back for being such a clever idiot.
Once I was inside, it was a case of heaving a sigh of relief and tidying up the tools. The piece of coat hanger wire now has a place of seniority and reverence on the workbench as it may be needed again sometime.
And now it's my turn to get a scammer emailing me...
The other day Wreckless had some stupid fuckwit send him a scam email telling him he had been given a large sum of money. I got one this morning, from a different scammer...still as stupid as the rest of them, but different anyhow. The underlying is quoted as received...
Greatings to you,
On behalf of the St.Mary's Foundation I wish to notify you as a beneficiary of £2.5m GBP in celebration of our 40th years of excellent and fullfilling services to humanity. Do contact Western Union Money Transfer, United Kingdom Branch for verification and release of your Western Union Money Transfer Control Number (MTCN) for the first £5,000 GBP that has been payed and avaliable for pick up.
Name:
Address:
Occupation:
Country:
Email:
Telephone:
You can contact our customer service with the following information:
Mr.James Formby
westenunion_costomerservice@live.com
Regional Co-ordinator
Western Unioun
United Kingdom.
The return email address is in Italy ("Carlo Colarusso" c.colarusso@enac.rupa.it) and it looks like it may be a university.
If my name was George W Bush, I might consider answering the email, but fuckit, I'm not that thick and I just don't have the time...
Greatings to you,
On behalf of the St.Mary's Foundation I wish to notify you as a beneficiary of £2.5m GBP in celebration of our 40th years of excellent and fullfilling services to humanity. Do contact Western Union Money Transfer, United Kingdom Branch for verification and release of your Western Union Money Transfer Control Number (MTCN) for the first £5,000 GBP that has been payed and avaliable for pick up.
Name:
Address:
Occupation:
Country:
Email:
Telephone:
You can contact our customer service with the following information:
Mr.James Formby
westenunion_costomerservice@live.com
Regional Co-ordinator
Western Unioun
United Kingdom.
The return email address is in Italy ("Carlo Colarusso" c.colarusso@enac.rupa.it) and it looks like it may be a university.
If my name was George W Bush, I might consider answering the email, but fuckit, I'm not that thick and I just don't have the time...
Monday, January 12, 2009
Ever heard of a "Tzeva Adom"?
Chances are, if you live in Israel, you will have...regularly.
A "Tzeva Adom" is basically an air raid alert, sent out by the Israeli Defence Force (IDF) to announce incoming Palestinian missiles. People have, on average, 15 seconds to respond to the alert and get into a bomb shelter before the missile lands. Sometimes the alert fails to get through and explosions arrive unannounced except for the whistle of the incoming rocket.
The underlying blog is written by an Israeli lady, a film producer by profession, living in a small town in Israel called "Sderot". Do yourself a favour, even if it is just for interest sake, and read what she's written. It's sad, frightening, emotional and makes you wonder what the fuck the world is coming to and why we can't live together in relative peace, understanding and tolerance. The blog also details the lack of accuracy of information reported by the media, from the number of dead to the number of missiles that are actually fired on Israel and, more accurately, on one little town.
http://sderotmovie.com/blog/
A "Tzeva Adom" is basically an air raid alert, sent out by the Israeli Defence Force (IDF) to announce incoming Palestinian missiles. People have, on average, 15 seconds to respond to the alert and get into a bomb shelter before the missile lands. Sometimes the alert fails to get through and explosions arrive unannounced except for the whistle of the incoming rocket.
The underlying blog is written by an Israeli lady, a film producer by profession, living in a small town in Israel called "Sderot". Do yourself a favour, even if it is just for interest sake, and read what she's written. It's sad, frightening, emotional and makes you wonder what the fuck the world is coming to and why we can't live together in relative peace, understanding and tolerance. The blog also details the lack of accuracy of information reported by the media, from the number of dead to the number of missiles that are actually fired on Israel and, more accurately, on one little town.
http://sderotmovie.com/blog/
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
A 365-project in the offing...
My baby has started a new photo project, which she calls her "365-project".
Basically, she takes a photo a day and posts it on her new blog page. She says it's where she'll store all her day-to-day photos, rather than the ones she wants to store on her portfolio site.
I think it's a great idea as it allows her, or anyone reading the blog, to reflect back on the year gone by, at any point in time.
Here are the links to her sites:
The 365-project http://my-365-project.blogspot.com/
The Portfolio http://foto-journey.blogspot.com/
Basically, she takes a photo a day and posts it on her new blog page. She says it's where she'll store all her day-to-day photos, rather than the ones she wants to store on her portfolio site.
I think it's a great idea as it allows her, or anyone reading the blog, to reflect back on the year gone by, at any point in time.
Here are the links to her sites:
The 365-project http://my-365-project.blogspot.com/
The Portfolio http://foto-journey.blogspot.com/
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