A motorcade carrying a visiting Scottish dignitary caused utter chaos (more so than usual) coming in from the airport in the Joburg traffic to such an extent that His Nibs (otherwise known as State President Thabo Mbeki) cancelled a state visit to George "Warmonger" Bush during which he was to beg for more money to give to Robert "Fuck-em-all-let-em-eat-sand-and-bark" Mugabe. Now Thabo's going to have to pay Bob out of his cocaine habit slush fund, which the public thinks is usually used for lining the pockets of Cabinet Ministers and hoors.
As the motorcade passed through Sandton, bottle store owners lined the pavements in a vain attempt at giving free sample bottles of Scotch whisky to the guest of honour and weed dealers displayed large tokes of Swazi Gold to get Thom's endorsement. The Right Honourable Thom said, later, it was like "trying to give sand to the fuckin' ai-rabs" and "Thanks, I already have my own dealer".
Government ministers in the other major cities displayed utter dismay and demonstrated outside Parliament when they noticed their favourite hoors had all booked one-way tickets to Joburg for the arrival of Thom. One Joburg minister was heard to say "Tell them not to worry. We've got them...erm...it, covered".
Thom is in SA to conduct a superficial study on the blatantly ineffective security measures in place in one of the world's largest corporations, known by local employees as "The Orifice" or "The Unspeakable Place over the road from Sandton City". Expectations are that he will tell local management that they're all fuckwits and should go out, get laid and give all their employees a 50% raise in pay, then he'll go out and shag all their wives and girl/boyfriends.
At the weekend, Thom is expected to travel to Pilanesberg National Park for a weekend of bush bashing and braais. Due to the outdoors nature of this activity, Boots has sponsored Thom's SPF450 sun cream, even though it's autumn in SA. Having a "delicately light blue" skin, it is expected that Thom will turn "rock-lobster pink" over the weekend, especially on his left arm which will be hanging out the window while on game drives.
In an interview with themselves, Thom and one of his SA hosts, Sir Steven Douglas (a local cuntsultant) voiced their unanimous disappointment at not having Prince Al Dale (an Irish-American, resident in Hooston) able to visit SA at the same time, thus re-uniting the bunch of twats after nearly three years. It is, however, expected that numerous toasts will be drunk in the Prince's honour over the coming days.
Expect further developments, photos, and reports in the days to come...
Welcome to South Africa, Big Man...enjoy your stay...
4 comments:
Sir Thom, or scottie as he's affectionaly known has not shown his face to us meer mortals as yet, so my comment here is wasted.....
Salagatle!
Alas the only security you have is the two guards at the gate and even they will fail due to all the useless well defined unpractical processes within that cheapskate all our employees with their skill are replaceable company
Meerkat...Bastard is too stupid to feel anything. Like cockroaches, I expect he'll be able to survive an atomic explosion.
The foot is still sore...broken, I'm not sure, but I can't run on it, so it will definately be action drinking for a while...
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