Help Desk, how can I fuck you around today?

This is a transcript of an actual conversation held between two IBMers (as we are affectionately known). It contains a few TLA's, as described in a previous posting, but also contains a few more... - Hello, IBM Information Technology Services, Resource Finance & Planning, pan-IOT Shared Services Centre of Excellence, how may I help you? > Oh, hello, I was given your name as the best person to speak to about resources in EMEA. - Sorry, I don't look after EMEA anymore. You should have received communication asking you not to use that term anymore. > Really? Oh, let me look in my mail. Who would the note have come from? - The EMEA Communications task ID. > Oh. OK. I'll look for it later. But anyway, are you involved in resources? - Oh, yes. Very much. > OK, good. I work in Nordic region and I need to transfer.... - I'm going to have to stop you there and ask you not to use that word please. We call them IMTs and IOTs these days. > Oh, I see. So are you supporting an IMT? - I'm supporting 8 of them. > Really? Oh, so you work for the IOT? - No. I work for both IOTs. > I'm confused. I don't understand which geo you sit it. - I don't sit in either of them. I'm shared. > But you are responsible for resources for all countries in the 2 IOTs. - Indeed. In fact, it's probably easier to say that I am the best person to speak to about resources in EMEA. > But you said I couldn't say EMEA. - Yes, because you said it in ignorance. I used it to help you understand. > OK, well thank you. I think I understand now. - Excellent. So how can I help you? > I want to transfer somebody into ITS, and I was told I need to get approval from you. - OK, would that be big ITS or small ITS? > I'm sorry? - Old ITS or new ITS? > Ummm... ITS the Line of Business. - I'll have to stop you again there... we can't say Lines of Business anymore. > Oh, what should we say now? - Business Lines. > Oh. What's the difference. - There isn't any. > OK. Anyway, about my transfer. I've found a candidate in BCS. - You mean EBS? > What's the difference? - There isn't any. They just re-badged it. > Right, well, anyway... I was told I need approval to transfer her into IGS. - You mean ITS? > Yep, OK, same thing... - No it isn't. > But you said they only renamed it. - No, that was EBS. With IGS it's different. IGS now comprises Integrated Operations, EBS and ITS. > Small ITS or big ITS? - Big ITS. Although technically it's both, because little ITS still sits in big ITS. > Really? - Yes, along with ebHS. > You mean EBS. - No, ebHS - it's different. It's part of SO. > Oh, so it sits alongside AMS? - You mean AS. > What's AS? - It's just like AMS, but without the management. > Well, whatever... i mean it's all part of SO anyway. - No, it's part of BCS now. > You mean EBS? - Yes. > What about ebHS - Still part of ITS. > Not EBS? - No. But it's all still part of IGS anyway. > OK, so I guess I would need additional approval to transfer someone from EBS. What if I found a candidate in SD? - You mean ITD? > What's the difference? - They... > ...re-badged it? - Correct. > But it's still part of IGS, right? - Yes. > So it doesn't impact headcount if I transfer someone to ITS? - Yes it does, because ITD is not part of ITS. > Look, this is getting very frustrating. Who should I escalate to? - That depends on which IMT you sit in. > Well who is in charge of total EMEA that I can speak to about this. - Nobody. We now have 2 IOT management teams instead. > What about the 5 regions? - 8 IMTs now. > So you're saying that we have 10 management structures now, instead of 6? - Actually, it's 11, if you count ITD. > I'm lost again. Look, do you think you can help me staff this vacancy? It's for a billable, customer engagement. - No. Sorry, but we don't have any resources. > What? No resources? How can this be? - Well we had to staff all these new management positions somehow... ...and I work for this lot...fuck the Help Desk...HELP ME!!!

Mad Max is among us...

on his own blog. Max works with us at "Big Blue" (otherwise known as IBM) in Johannesburg...check out his rantings now and then... Click here...

LMAO? LOL! WTF?

We live in a world of TLA's (three letter acronyms) and FLA's (four letter acronyms), and even more FLA's (five letter acronyms). Hell, I even work for a TLA - IBM. Here, we have our own version of some TLA's and even have some SLA's...no, not six letter acronyms, rather Service Level Agreements. Confused? I bet you are in some cases, cos I know I am... I can be in a meeting at work and someone will mention an acronym, whereby I'll make the assumption that he/she means TLA(1), when in actual fact, they mean TLA(2). Even though they have the same abbreviation, they mean two totally different things and can confuse the hell out of a conversation. As intelligent people, I'm sure you can imagine... So here's a short list of some popular TLA's and FLA's with their descriptions, the recognised version and my own: Acronym Official Description (My Description) FLAB       Four Letter ABbreviation (Fat on a woman's arse) FYI           For Your Information (Listen up, asshole) FAO         Dunno (Fuck Away Off) GETIFUYABASA     (Ask Billy Connoly - self-explanatory, I thought) IE             Internet Explorer (Internet Exploiter) IOW        In Other Words (What didn't you get the first time, asshole?) IMHO     In My Honest Opinion (Would you buy a used car from this person?) IBM         International Business Machines (I've Been Moved, or, Install Bloody Memory) JD            Job Description (Jack Daniel's) LMAO     Laughing My Ass Off (Lick My Ass Oswald - something Drew Carey might say) LOL         Laughing Out Loud (Lots of Love, as my mum would say) OFFS       Dunno (Oh, For Fuck Sake!) OMG       Oh, my God! (Orchestral Manouevres in the Groin) ROE        Rules Of Engagement (Fish eggs) ROTFL    Rolling On The Floor Laughing (ROTi For Life) TIMS       Tactical Internet Management System (Something that belongs to Tim) WTF        What The Fuck? (What The Fuck?) WTG        Way To Go! (Nice one, dickhead!) And, I'm sure, you have your own list of favourites...send me some...

Top of the Pops...

In response to Jenny-May's request for what people are listening to at the moment, here's my list of current favourites (individual tracks in brackets - parentheses for all the budding Thesaurians out there): John Mayer - Heavier Things (Bigger than my Body) Red Hot Chili Peppers - Californication (Scar Tissue) Nickleback - All the Right Reasons (Photograph, Side of a Bullet - great guitar work on that track) Foo Fighters - In Your Honor (Best of You, Resolve) Depeche Mode - Playing the Angel (Precious) Collective Soul - Youth (There's a Way, Home, How do you Love - the whole album is great, as usual) Big Country - Peace in our Time (Broken Heart, Peace in our Time) Van Halen - Van Halen (Jamie's Cryin') The No1 80's Collection - various artists (Wang Chung, Adam and the Ants, Texas, Asia, Alphaville, ZZ Top) Green Day - American Idiot (American Idiot, Bullet in a Bible DVD) Led Zeppelin - Led Zeppelin (Black Dog, Stairway to Heaven) Nirvana - Nevermind (Come as you Are, Lithium, Lounge Act) Quite varied, for a change, but I've been told I watch too much TV. The only time I really enjoy my music is when I'm driving my car, otherwise there's so much sport, so little time.