I just had to add this...

Cricket's a strange fuckin' game. Just look at the fielder position names on the picture, and I'm sure you'll agree with me. So here's my definition of the field placings... Mid-on? - Mid-on to fuckin' what? He's actually "deep far away legside". Mid-off? - See "Mid-on", except "offside". Long-stop? - "Long drop" more like...he's going to see shit from there. Third man? - Where's first, second, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, eight, ninth, tenth and eleventh. Twelfth is in the changeroom where he's supposed to be...peeling fuckin' oranges. Gully? - I thought the field was flat...why put a player in a ditch? So that he can jump out now and then and scare the shit out of a batsman? He'll get whacked if he tries that with me, I tell you. Slips? - I thought women wore them under "skirts"? Mid-wicket? - That's supposed to be the middle one of the three wooden thingies we throw the ball at (and occasionally hit people on ankles with). Cover? - I use a duvet...now I know where all the old covers went. Long-on? - Time he got off and let someone else have a go at the girl. Long-off? - Probably wants a crack at the girl by now. Wicket keeper? - Why should he be the only one keeping a piece of wood? We also throw the ball at them now and then. I want one too. Bowler? - You'd look daft on the pitch with a funny round English hat on your head. "Thrower", more like... Backward Square leg? - Careful who you're calling backward, sonny... Backward Point? - Try pointing a finger over your head. Not easy, is it? Cover Point? - Why would anyone want to point at the covers on the field, unless Long-on was still going for it with the girl? Silly Mid-on? - See "Backward Square Leg"... Fuckin' daft game, this cricket... :-)