Ok, so now that I have officially been kakked out...

by Max for not posting anything for a while, let me regale you all with the interesting things that have happened in my life for the past few days. Nothing. Zilch. Zip. SFA (sweet fuck all)....get the picture? I've been so fuckin' hard working, in addition to being offline for a day while IBM (oops, can't say that) replaced my laptop (new Thinkpad T42 - kewl machine) that I've had just about no time to myself to post anything here, let alone anything interesting. That said, I'd better get back to drafting the presentation for next week's conference I'm speaking at...it's supposed to be on the convenors desktop tomorrow afternoon. Fat chance...

Daft Question of the week...

In this, the second question, I'm hoping we get more of the wacky types of answer I was looking for, rather than the "normal", "sane" answers from Max and Jenny. Why is it that traffic lights have the "stop" light red, "get ready" light amber and the "go" light green? Why can't they be a different combination of colours, depending on where you are, based on the local population or the national flag? San Francisco and Cape Town could then have pink, white and purple for their combinations; Saudi Arabia could have white and various shades of green; the USA could have red, white and blue (they've already turned the navigational light system around from the rest of the world - internationally green is to port and red is to starboard, but in the USA it's the other way round); Scotland could have tartan-based lights, depending on what clan territory you're in. Hell, South Africa could have any combination of six colours (red, white, black, green, yellow and blue) in addition to Cape Town's gay pride colours.

Stevie Wonder has a twin, sighted, brother...

and his name is David Gray. DG's out in SA just now, playing concerts in Jo'burg, Durban and Cape Town and we went along for the Joburg show on Sunday night. I don't know DG's music all that well, aside from a few of his more popular tracks (Repo Man, Babylon, etc) and went along thinking that it could be a pleasant way to spend a Sunday evening rather than on my comfy couch in front of the telly. The fact that the show started off with local DJ, Alex Jay, doing the MC work and opening the show with the line "Welcome to the first sit-down concert in the Dome" should have told me to leave there and then. However, I persevered, thinking that he was probably just having a go at the organisers and not at the content of the show. The opening act, a fashionable twenty minutes late, was local band, Watershed, who tried to perform about five of their more popular tracks. Unfortunately, the sound system, or maybe it was just the guy's voice, didn't do much for the vocals and it was difficult to understand the lead at times. As I commented to Steph, he was trying to do strange things (like pronounce words in an American accent) with his mouth like Ed Roland of Collective Soul does, but it didn't work for me. An hour later, they left the stage to somewhat muted cheers from the crowd, probably about 15,000 strong by then. A brief intermission later, time to give about four guys and two girls time to have a pee, and the lights dim. Parts of the crowd start wailing, though I'm not quite sure why anyone would want to cheer the lights going out. Maybe it was a highlight of their night...I dunno. A solitary spotlight opens up on centre stage, while David Gray appears stage right, and the light swings across to him. The crowd goes wild as the rest of the band appear behind him. With instruments plugged in and tuned, DG launches off into some of his older works ("Alibi", I think was one of the tracks) and it's good foot-tapping stuff so now I'm starting to enjoy myself a bit more. Three or four tracks later and I'm thinking "I am so fuckin' bored. Why the fuck am I here, when I could be in front of the telly watching a good movie in the comfort of my comfy couch and not this plastic garden chair that's cable-tied to the two next to me watching this wannabe Stevie Wonder?" And wannabe, he is...actually, he's like a cross between Stevie W and one of those nodding-dog things you get in the back window of tattoo'ed fuckwit's cars. The middle of the set is really boring, with some (apparently) new stuff from his latest album (see the website for details on "How to put insomniacs to.....zzzzzzzzzz", otherwise known as the "Life in Slow Motion" album). DG must have been bored as well, as he ended up hinting to the audience "Ok, this is where you get out of your seats and dance along to the tune", to which the sheep promptly got on their hind legs and started swaying to the rhythm with their front hooves in the air. A few songs later and DG and the band disappear off stage to cries from the audience like "Get fuckin' back here", and "We know you're coming back, so stop fuckin' around", and the like. What must have been a quick towelling down of DG's sweaty head later, he and the band return to the stage to greet the sheep on their hind legs again. For the encore they played five songs, all oldies and, surprisingly, four of which I knew including the final song "Babylon" (like the audience didn't expect him to play that one...doh!!) and that was the end of it. Time to go home and have a coffee...thank fuck. We get back in the car and I put on some Nickleback...aahhhhhhhh...decent rock music... Not the way I would have spent the evening, but I figured that afterward I could at least say "Hey, I stood on my hind legs watching David Gray live in Joburg in 2006". I should have listened to Alex Jay, right up front...

And whilst on the subject of The Gorbals...

here's a piece of one of the postings I found on the aforementioned site...brilliant... GORBALS HURRICANE APPEAL A major hurricane (Senga) and an earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit Glasgow in the early hours of Yesterday with its epicentre in The Gorbals. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Pure mental, man-no?". The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and Seville were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived. Clyde FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in The Gorbals. One resident - Bernadette O'Reilly, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said "It gied me a pure fright so's it did. My little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom greetin'. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. Ah wiz still shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning, so's ah wiz." Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Buckfast to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books and Bone China from Poundstretchers. HOW CAN YOU HELP? This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include: - Fila or Burberry baseball caps - Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers) - Shell suits (female) - White sport socks - Rockport boots or Adidas trainers Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include: - Microwave chips - Pies from Greggs - Tins of baked beans - Ice cream - Cans of Special Brew or bottle of Buckie. Also: - 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms - £2 buys chips, crisps and Irn Bru for a family of 9 - £5 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected. **Breaking news** Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alcho-pop. 'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked. "Parkheed" said the girl, "Whits it tae you?"

Nice people, the neighbours are...

depending on your level of desperation... Browsing through a couple of blogs the other day, I came across one from The Gorbals (a notorious area of Glasgow) which I thought was rather interesting, if not for the content then at least the subject and the blog name itself...

Daft Question, or Idea, of the Week...

could be a new regular posting here, or at least as regularly as I can come up with one. If you can answer the question, or provide an explanation as to why the daft idea might exist, please do. The more ridiculous the answers, the better, I suppose... So, here's the first: Why is it that, in a pack of pork or beef bangers (sausages, as some people may call them) there is always eight in the packet, and always two lots of four strung together? (next time you buy bangers, count them)...

It's 2010 and Ellis Park is packed...

...to the rafters for the Football World Cup!!!! - It is just before the Bafana Bafana v Brazil match. Ronaldinho goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum. "What's up?" he asks. "Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only S.A.. They're shit and we can't be bothered." Ronaldinho looks at them and says, "Well, I reckon I can beat them by myself - you lads go down to a pub in Soweto and have fun." So Ronaldinho goes out to play Bafana Bafana by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 - Bafana Bafana 0 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes)". He is beating Bafana Bafana all by himself! Anyway, a few pints later and the game is all forgotten until someone remembers, "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on." They put the teletext on. "Result from the Stadium 'Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) - Bafana Bafana 1 (Nomvete 89 minutes)." They can't believe it; he has single-handedly got a draw against Bafana Bafana!! They rush back to the Ellis Park Stadium to congratulate Ronaldinho. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sitting with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down." "Don't be daft, you got a draw against Bafana Bafana, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!" "No, no, I have. I've let you down...I got sent off after 12 minutes."