Fuck this life...

I'm tired, and it's time for "No more, Mr Nice Guy", I think.

I'm supposed to be retired, enjoying the later years of my life, for which I worked forty long years. Instead, life is just fucking me over, abusing me. Was I really that bad in my earlier life, that karma kept so much in memory to shaft me like this when I'm a little less able to say "fuck you" back?

Is life abusing me? Possibly. Probably. More likely, it's the people around me that are taking advantage of me and are the main contributing factor.

There is one that I exempt from that list, but at the moment she isn't even talking to me, even refusing to read my messages which would explain a whole lot to her. Just read them, woman!!

On the other hand, there are a couple who are very close, proximity and familial, to whom I cater for almost every part of their existence. I won't name them, but they know who they are. One of them even reads this blog, so no doubt I'll be hearing about it sometime. She'll probably even want to put me across her knee and give me a hiding like in the old days, or give me a poesklap across the face. So be it. The other one is too young to understand the concept but rather pays lip service to everything he doesn't like around him. And at his age, that's just about everyfuckinthing.

I was having a good couple of months until last night, and then the bottom just fell out of my world. In a matter of seconds. One message, that's all it took, and everything I thought I'd built with someone over a couple of months went to shit. All because of one other arsehole who won't take responsibility for his own miserable existence.

And I decided, fuck this. I've had enough.

Through today, I've had so much (too much) time to think about it all. People need to start taking responsibility for their own existences. For their own responsibilities. For their own relationships. For their own fuckin lives. If you're not willing to make adjustments to your life on things that are not right, that don't even feel right, that you know are NOT right, why involve others and make them miserable? People who care. People who also have feelings. People who have their own issues they have to deal with.

Fuckin man up...

In closing, I'm not about to jump off a ladder or take a long walk off a short pier, so don't worry about me in that regard. I'm stronger than that, by a long way. Just respect my decision that from now on, it's about me, Number One. If you don't want to be a part of my life, fine, just let me know but be honest about it. And make it for the right reasons. Those that do want to be a part, welcome, I embrace you. If you want my help, I'm there, but don't abuse that offer.


Look after yourselves out there, folks......be kind to each other...

Maybe I should post something...

...even if just to let the folk/s out there know that I'm still around.

Yes, I'm still here. Still kicking. Still cycling. Still...whatever.

I'm exceptionally happy right now for my Brother Max. He's in a good spot just now, possibly the best frame of mind he has been in a while. Or at least that's the impression that I get from the postings on his blog and family-related happenings over last weekend. Awesome to see and read! And long may it get better and continue! He deserves the happiness! He has some work challenges to be addressed with his contract renewal, but I believe he will get the right outcome for himself and, ultimately, for the company.



{/rant on}

On the home front, things are a little tense around here. I knew something was wrong last night when we sat down to dinner and mom wasn't saying anything, wasn't looking around, just staring straight into her plate. When I asked what was up, mom shed a tear and said she doesn't like the tension she can feel in the house. I don't blame her, because it's true. Fact of the matter is that the Nephewmonster is pushing all my wrong buttons...again, and again, and again. He is a defiant and sneaky little fucker at times, tries to get away with all sorts of things despite knowing that if he got caught doing/not doing them, he would be in trouble. But he does them anyway.

An example..... he has a homework book, in which he has to write down all the homework he has to do, every day there is homework. My rule is that I get to see the book every day and when there is no homework, draw a neat line for the day, and write "No homework". Simple, right? Not for him, apparently. And last week, I get a notification through the school portal that he has earned two demerit points for not doing his homework the night before. Needless to say, I let rip and have grounded him for a week, with no tech at home (tablet, TV). He can listen to his music, that I have no problem with and actively encourage his interest in it. Again, I have drawn a line and have demanded that he show me his homework book daily, so that I can see (and sign) what he has to do on the day. If he gets any more demerit points for homework not done, he will be grounded for two weeks. Do it again, and it will be four weeks, doubling each time there is a transgression. For some reason, the only way to get through to him is to take away his tech privileges. Hell, one day I might even take away his bike for a while and see how that works, if it works. He gets inconvenienced by not having his tech, but you can see he just shrugs it off and carries on. In truth, it doesn't truly bother him, so I wonder if it's even the right way of doing things. Maybe taking the bike away will be a true test of how it bothers him. He loves his bike, is always out on it, and it is his primary means of getting around to school and to his mates.

And that's just one example of what he does/doesn't do. There are a bunch more which, again, get lip service and just end up back at Square One and another button gets pushed, until I explode again.

My take on it all at the moment, is that I've had enough. I'm tired of proverbially smashing my head against a wall on an almost daily basis. If he was my boy, I would have beaten some sense and some respect into him, just like we had in my youth. And before any Karen's go off about discipline, it did me fuckall harm. In fact, it taught me a lot of things, such as respect, care, discipline, morals, etc... The problem is that I can't give him a hiding, and he knows it and plays to it. I've threatened him a couple of times about delivering him to his mother in Cape Town so that she can put up with his shit, because I don't need it. Why should I? I'm supposed to be retired. Instead, I'm just tired. It might be time to have this discussion with him again, but the next time I do, it will be the ABF (absolutely bloody final) time we have it and if ever there's an occasion where I'm in this frame of mind again, I will just collect him at school and get on the highway to Cape Town, no questions asked or answered.

{/rant off}


On the personal side, I sometimes have too much time on my hands, either because I'm putting off something non-urgent that should be done but can be delayed, or because I'm feeling tired. My main cause of tiredness is the mental exhaustion the Nephewmonster brings out in me, spoken about earlier. The other cause of my tiredness is my cycling. I'm currently doing between 200 and 300km a week, depending on the length of the club rides and whether I go out for a lengthy solo ride on one of the days. Perhaps it's too much, but I'm enjoying it all, despite the very cold temperatures these days.

Physically, I'm in very good condition, definitely the best I have been in almost 20yrs. I'm now just over 2kg above my target weight of 80kg, having started at 106kg about 4yrs ago when we moved to Sedgefield.

And, on that, this coming Saturday will be exactly four years to the day that we left Cape Town. So much has happened, both good and bad, in that relatively short period. Life-changing things.

Mentally, I'm in a good position too. Yes, I still sometimes get lonely, but that's expected. And I know I'm not alone in that regard. We all feel it on occasion, even if there is a "significant other" in the picture. It's part of human nature. In the end, we are social animals and need that occasional interaction with other humans. Sadly, and to be brutally honest, I don't get enough of it at home, but that's just me. It's when I'm out with friends that I think my real current self comes out. C'est la vie...



Look after yourselves out there, folks...be kind to each other...

An Update on "M"...

But let's change this a bit. "M" was short for "missus" in previous posts. Truth is, her name also starts with an "S", so S it is from now on to eliminate any confusion.

On with this post...

Tuesday was a bit disturbing in a big way...

As usual, I went to visit S in the TLC care facility where she is a dementia patient. The last couple of times I've been, there has been a split-second hesitancy in S recognising me when I walk in the door. I know this is going to get worse as time goes on, with her eventually not recognising me at all. This week, however, it seems to have taken another turn.

The patients do a number of exercises in the facility, and I happened to walk in on one on Tuesday. They were sitting in pairs, across the tables from each other, playing a sort of Beer Pong but without the shooters. Basically, they bounce a table tennis ball across the table to try and land it in a wide-brimmed cup, taking turns as they go along. It is good for their motor skills and reactions.

S and I played together, mostly with me coaxing her on what to do, almost every time she had to play the ball. One of the symptoms of her condition is that she has almost zero memory of processes or repetitive actions and loses her train of thought within seconds.

As is her usual self, she was also chatting animatedly to her friend Grace who was at an opposite table. What was disturbing, was that she was repeatedly telling Grace that "Steven will be here soon, and we're going to the farm."

Yes, disturbing in that we don't have a farm, have never been to a farm together and don't actually know anybody who has a farm. More so, was the fact that I was sitting directly opposite her and she was talking about me as if I wasn't even there. Her spatial cognisance is really starting to get bad, and I think it may not be too much longer until she does not recognise me anymore...



Look after yourselves out there, folks.....be kind to each other...

On a lighter note...

A much lighter note, actually...

If you're ever considering a crash course in weight loss, I fully recommend Picoprep, the stuff I had to drink for my cleansing.

Overnight, I lost 3.5kg. Just goes to show how much is sitting in our gut.

Follow me for more weight loss advice...


Look after yourselves out there, folks...be kind to each other...