So, as per my previous post, I am having my first colonoscopy tomorrow as part of my complete physical checkup. Getting older sucks, so take my advice and don't get old if you can help it.
No, I'm kidding. Go out and live life to the fullest. Make sure that colonoscopy, when it comes around, is worth every damn cent your medical aid isn't going to cover.
Anyway......so part of the procedure is what's known as a "cleansing". What a misnomer. Cleansing is something you might do to your car engine when it's running sluggishly. Come to think of it, that's quite a good analogy.
In your car engine, you would pour a liquid additive into your fuel tank and after a few splutters and farts, the engine exhaust pipe should be burning a mild grey colour rather than a dark black. Much the same grey as my backside is right now, I would hazard a guess.
The cleansing consists of a powder, actually quite pleasant tasting, dissolved in lukewarm water and taken three times, once every three hours. The other thing you need to do is drink copious amounts of water. About a liter per hour, actually. I feel like I'm drowning.
I imagine most people who go through this cleansing must go through a similar experience, but here's a blow-by-blow account of mine. See if you can relate... I doubt it.
08h00 - breakfast - two microwaved eggs on white bread toast. Lovely and tasty. The last solid food until after the procedure tomorrow. From now on it is water, black coffee or Bovril. Nothing else.
10h00 - drink first glass of water - no worries there
10h30 - drink second glass of water
11h00 - drink third glass of water
11h30 - drink fourth glass of water. Go for a pee.
12h00 - mix the cleansing powder in lukewarm water - drink fifth glass of water - starting to get concerned about causing a shortage of water in the town
12h30 - drink what feels like twentieth glass of water. Water restrictions have been imposed in town
13h00 - drink the evil powdered potion and lay back to wait for the fireworks to begin. It's supposed to take 2 to 3 hours before anything happens. Actually, it tastes a pleasant citrus flavour...not bad. Drink thirtieth glass of water. Lie on the bed with a direct line of access of the Big White Porcelain Telephone
13h10 - have a pee
13h30 - drink fiftieth glass of water. Have a pee. Stomach starts grumbling. Maybe it's just that I'm hungry. Maybe not.
14h00 - yep, you guessed it...drink seventieth glass of water. Have a pee. Have a cup of Bovril as lunch but also to not have to drink another glass of water. Walk about the bedroom, in case motion will bring on movement. Stomach grumbling louder.
14h30 - Hmmmm...no fireworks yet. I wonder if this stuff works. Drink ninetieth glass of water
14h40 - have a pee
15h00 - water. Water disaster declared province-wide. Water tankers brought in from next town. Stomach grumbling so loud the cat lifts its head to investigate
15h30 - national water disaster declared. Not caused by myself, this time because of ANC government theft. Drink one hundredth glass of water
16h00 - drink second citrus-flavoured concoction. Seriously wonder if this stuff works. Drink two hundredth glass of water
16h01 - squeak out a little fart. Oh wait......... RUN!!
Also 16h01 - so the cleansing begins. I will spare you the gory details. Suffice to say, it was not pretty and was possibly the longest I have ever sat on a loo. If you've never seen this classic Billy Connolly comedy skit, I suggest you watch it now. It will detail, exquisitely, what I went through between 16h01 and about 16h30.
16h30 - get off loo on legs that feel like jelly. Spend 10 full minutes trying to clean the place up before the next episode. And you know there's a next episode coming because you have just drunk one more citrus-flavoured cleanser, and there is a third at 19h00. Happy days.
16h31 - sit down again. You're not quite finished this round
16h40 - get up again. Have an internal debate whether that grumbling noise was just wind, or if you're about to sit down again. Take a chance, get cleaned up, go and lie on the bed
17h00 - drink 250th glass of water, also some USN energy drink for some electrolytes or dehydration could happen. Wait, what, dehydration?? How the hell do you get dehydrated after drinking all this water?
17h30 - gingerly move through to the lounge and relate experience to mother who, mandatorily, gives you a sympathetic ear. Drink 300th glass of water while mother sips on her sundowner. Life sucks.
18h00 - move back to the bedroom to lie in wait while family has dinner. I'm so hungry right now, I would fight my 82yr old mother for a lick of her spoon, never mind steal her plate. Have a glass of water
18h20 - return to the Big White Porcelain Telephone. Begin next phase of cleansing. My gut must be really dirty, based on the volume that is, by this time, being issued in jets of watery "stuff". Anybody need to thread a needle? Leave it at the door and I'll get onto it shortly.
18h30 - Drink. More. Water. Mix last sachet of citrus-flavoured drain cleaner in warm water
19h00 - drink last drain cleaner liquid. And another glass of water.
Expect more disruptions to the evening, but nothing for a while. Start wondering if it's over. Then remember you've only just drank the last glass of sulphuric acid and it takes a couple of hours to work. Damn.
20h00 - RUN!!
20h15 - return to the couch to try and watch a bit of TV to relax
21h00 - retire to bed to draft the gripping tale that you're reading now
21h30 - remember that I'm allowed a cup of black coffee. Ah, instant bliss. What's that noise? My stomach growling again? No, just a thunderstorm rolling in. Thank fuck for that.
21h54 - RUN!!
22h03 - return, whimpering, to bed to wait for the next instalment.
22h04 - guzzle down 250ml of electrolytes as I'm not allowed anything past my lips until the procedure is over. It's going to be a loooooong night.
Right....so as the last few bits of this tale were in "real time", I can't really carry on without making stuff up. And believe me, none of what you've read so far has been made up. Well, okay, I didn't really drink 200 glasses of water and there isn't really a water disruption in town. The rest of it though, is gospel.
Tomorrow is going to be interesting. Needless to say, the moment I get out of that surgery, I'm heading for KFC and probably a bucket of chicken. Even the cat is looking tasty right now.
Now I'm going to read for a while to see if there are any more movements. Failing that, I'll be putting the light off around midnight.
G'nite everybody...
Look after yourselves out there, folks.....be kind to each other...
3 comments:
Brother. You have me in stitches. Kak funny. Pun intended. I'm in tears..... Prayers for a successful procedure tomorrow. Sending much love
Hilarious!! But I can empathise with you. Good luck!!
Funny AF bro. I remember when it was forced on me (so to speak) the drinks were awful that I had to do, I was gagging taking them.the procedure itself was great - now I know why Michael Jackson had an affinity for propofol! Just don’t take it in a room full of people you don’t know 🤣. Love you 💕
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